Peyote Opi Merlin

Heading towards a spare seat at the back of a double-decker bus, I hesitate.  The back row is occupied by two young men with closely-shaved hair.  Between them sits a large black-and-white dog with a snub nose.  Its genitalia are proudly on display.  It is breathing loudly.  'I wouldn't sit there if I were you', says the younger of the two.  The other is slumped against the window, apparently asleep, with his eyes closed.  'Oh', I say and begin to turn around.  'Jokes', says the man.  'Go ahead'.  I look at the dog.  It looks at me.  'Don't make it weird', he says.  I sit down.

'What's he called?' I ask.  The younger man points at the one against the window.  'Ask 'im', he says.  Without moving, he opens his eyes.  'Woof', he says.  'Oh right', I say.

The younger man takes a loud phone call.  His conversation involves the police, phone numbers and someone called 'Angel'.  The dog's breath smells.

'That's what happens if you like girls', he tells me after he has hung up.  'You get yourself into trouble'.  I decide to ask my question.  He laughs.  'Fuckin' crazy maniac bastard solid real...' he begins.  The slumped man opens his eyes again, his interest piqued.  He gives me his.

'It's the nickname for a hallucinogenic cactus', he says.  'My parents were hippies'.  He gestures towards the dog.  'It's his name too', he says.  'I like it so I called him it'.  He tells me all three of his middle names.  'Where's Opi from?' I ask.  He smiles.  'Opium', he says.  He tells me his sister's middle name is Astra Cloudberry.  I am suitably impressed.  The younger man interrupts.  'I don't have one', he says.  'You parents weren't hippies?' I ask.  'We're brothers', says the man still slumped against the window.  'But the man she was with when she had him weren't into that sort of stuff'.  The younger man kisses the dog.  'My name's Bob', he says.

They try to guess my middle name.  'Sid', the younger one suggests, 'as in C.I.D.'.  'Gap', suggests the other.  I look confused.  The younger explains, 'Gay and proud'.  I give them the answer.  The younger one repeats it out loud.  'It's alright that is', he says.

It's my stop so I get up to leave.  'Nice to meet you', I say.  The slumped man nods his head.  'You take care now', says the other.